I saw Fight Club on TLN the other night.
I've been feeling pretty shitty the past few days. Pinched a nerve, hurt my back, slept on my neck wrong, aggravited the muscle, whatever, it all cumilated into the same thing. A reflection on myself. I remember a lecture a grade 11 teacher told me about dreams and how you have to other back up dreams to fall upon just in case your lose your shit and fuck up. I for one am just a lazy mother fucker. Hiding behind the idea of being an artist while hardly showing the ferral dedication to be one. A drunken friend pointed that out to be truthfully one night and I accepted wholly as a serious character flaw. As I sit here typing and tending to my nagging back it's at this moment that I have to reflect on what my career is supposed to be.
While I might be showing the chops to be a cook this injury just brought up ideas of whether I am cut out for this cutthroat lifestyle. I'm already too much of a fucking pussy to work fulltime and go to school fulltime only working part time. Now I hurt my back during a time where my job is short staffed and I feel like I'm going to lose my job for being completely useless in the face of being so reliable before. I like doing my job. I like pleasing people. I like to be part of the mchine that runs smoothly. And while I'm in a great position to continue working with this establishment, I don't know how I would react if I get fired. I might be imagining things, work has given no indication that they would want to let me go because of this but what if I were managing this well oiled machine? I'd have to replace the broken cog as soon as possible in a market where a lot of fucking cogs are availble.
How this relates to Fight Club is that it was one of the first films I saw in Vancouver when I first moved down here. It was the beginning of my Vancouver life and defined me as a person at school. A school degree that I never finished. Now my casual Sunday belief in karma is only reinforced by the stupidity that lead me to this situation. I could have exercised more, I could have done a lot of things to prevent me on being on the steps of being kicked out of the culinary program and from my job. It seemed coincidental that Fight Club should have shown up to foreshadow a potential second (or third?) supreme failure in my life. I had a moment where I reflected as to what the hell this career path is going to get me if anything.
The good news is that Fight Club is still as every bit enjoyable as it was back in 99. Also the worst of my culinary education would entail would be me withdrawing for the week and having to repeat it at a later period. My worries about work is still less quelled but life goes on. It's all a matter as to how I can deal with it and trust me it's all my fault. If lesser people could survive then certainly I can.
While I might be showing the chops to be a cook this injury just brought up ideas of whether I am cut out for this cutthroat lifestyle. I'm already too much of a fucking pussy to work fulltime and go to school fulltime only working part time. Now I hurt my back during a time where my job is short staffed and I feel like I'm going to lose my job for being completely useless in the face of being so reliable before. I like doing my job. I like pleasing people. I like to be part of the mchine that runs smoothly. And while I'm in a great position to continue working with this establishment, I don't know how I would react if I get fired. I might be imagining things, work has given no indication that they would want to let me go because of this but what if I were managing this well oiled machine? I'd have to replace the broken cog as soon as possible in a market where a lot of fucking cogs are availble.
How this relates to Fight Club is that it was one of the first films I saw in Vancouver when I first moved down here. It was the beginning of my Vancouver life and defined me as a person at school. A school degree that I never finished. Now my casual Sunday belief in karma is only reinforced by the stupidity that lead me to this situation. I could have exercised more, I could have done a lot of things to prevent me on being on the steps of being kicked out of the culinary program and from my job. It seemed coincidental that Fight Club should have shown up to foreshadow a potential second (or third?) supreme failure in my life. I had a moment where I reflected as to what the hell this career path is going to get me if anything.
The good news is that Fight Club is still as every bit enjoyable as it was back in 99. Also the worst of my culinary education would entail would be me withdrawing for the week and having to repeat it at a later period. My worries about work is still less quelled but life goes on. It's all a matter as to how I can deal with it and trust me it's all my fault. If lesser people could survive then certainly I can.
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